Weird as everything is at the moment, not all parts of life have stopped functioning completely.
For one thing, sports commentators are still commentating, albeit on races across zebra crossings and bathroom plughole unblockings rather than actual sport. And, for another, everyone being stuck at home means the coronavirus memes are coming thick and fast.
We've already had one absolute standout thread of them in the form of Wash Your Lyrics, and while we've yet to see many others coalesce into proper trends, there's still been some absolutely stellar content around to puncture that bubble of worry we're all in. Top job everyone.
Let's start with the best thing to come of a family being forced to reckon with isolation together, and spending the time introducing an older family member to whatever it is the kids are doing these days.
i have already watched this a million times pic.twitter.com/LHZxfZdklT— karen han (@karenyhan) March 26, 2020
Last summer's three-quarter cargo shorts were the first symptoms of Covid-19, it turns out.
A lot of you probably have coronavirus bc one symptom is having no taste— Amish (@camillepawglia) March 26, 2020
At least it's good to know that faceless multinational corporations have our back, and want to let us know that they've got exactly the product to make all this bearable.
Everyone's got extremely into Zoom and Houseparty lately – and doing relentless quizzes on it, which you could probably do with our tips on hosting – despite some murmurings about security and privacy. But where did those murmurs burble from? Only one person can crack a case this big.
Listen lads, I’m no grass but I heard it was… Rebekah Vardy https://t.co/kbUr31felF— Godfrey (@kylegodfrey98) March 31, 2020
Meanwhile, it's not just mere mortals who are having to adapt to the Friday night Zoom pub experience.
Now that the sheer novelty of being able to swap your Zoom background's fading, it's an arms race to get the best one.
Then again, this one's a strong contender.
In fact, there's a whole thread full of them here. Have a dig for yourself, obviously, but for us the standouts have to be the "This is fine" dog's flame-filled room and the final room in the spaceship from the finale of 2001: A Space Odyssey.
iconic zoom backgrounds: a thread— Shell 🐝 (@BeeShellll) March 31, 2020
keep it going pic.twitter.com/GU54B97tiR
Or you could make an absolutely excellent gif.
Today I made a Zoom background of myself accidentally walking in on myself in a Zoom meeting. pic.twitter.com/Rl2AsjfZ7V— Dan Crowd (@itsdancrowd) April 3, 2020
Meanwhile, British celeb Twitter and Instagram has been more than keeping its end up.
Rita mate, do you want to just back up a couple of ste–
I literally just cried proper tears of laughter watching Rita Ora bang her head on Instagram live. 😂😂🤣🤣😭😭 pic.twitter.com/CDcmIJbpQV— Josh (@Joshlovesit19) March 29, 2020
Imagine popping to the shop to do your once-weekly shop and find that your local Spar's being managed by Matt Damon.
Possibly the only good thing about the recent turmoil is that Matt Damon was in Dublin for a shoot when the travel restrictions came in so he's been stuck there ever since and is, by all accounts, having a great time going for wee jogs and saying hi to old ladies in dalkey— Staymas Insidely (@shockproofbeats) April 3, 2020
Maybe Damon could spend some time getting to know his white goods.
week two of quarantine and my boyfriend just told me he thought it would be interesting to put a go pro in the dishwasher “to see what goes on in there”— Hettie O'Brien (@hettieveronica) April 2, 2020
Some communities are taking this enforced isolation quite well.
In other news... the cat over the road is called Walter pic.twitter.com/loIHA2J4mH— Sian Cosgrove (@sian_cosgrove) March 29, 2020
Others less so.
Just as fish have returned to the canals of Venice, so the goats of the Great Orme, a country park on a headland that juts out from Llandudno on the North Wales coast, have returned to take back what's rightfully theirs. They want Llandudno, and they're taking it one delicious privet hedge at a time.
I think I just got a group of goats in Llandudno arrested.— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
Let me explain... first, I saw this from inside a dark pub (the one I live in currently). I thought I was seeing things. So I took some video: pic.twitter.com/RtxYG6htLC
The goats arrived on Friday, and immediately set about destroying human civilisation.
They weren’t moving from their midnight feast. And they were probably going to run riot on the town, what with nobody being about due to the lockdown. I also wasn’t sure if they were keeping the required 2m apart. pic.twitter.com/Yn69JWDV8p— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 27, 2020
So the police came around and broke it up, and the goats went back up the Great Orme. BUT THEN.
Goat update: they’re back, and they’re gathering in groups of more than 2 🐐 pic.twitter.com/Bc2N42SPGo— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
Emboldened by their success and showing complete disrespect to the North Wales constabulary, the goats returned. They started roaming the streets in gangs, as if daring the people of Llandudno to step outside their homes and defend their shrubbery.
Just kidding around, yeah? 🐐 pic.twitter.com/NHpV3seMlA— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 28, 2020
That was on Saturday. Sunday was quiet in Llandudno. Maybe the goats had had their fun. Maybe Llandudno was coming out of the other end of its goat ordeal – a little bruised, a little shaken, but stronger for it. But then came Monday.
They're controlling the hedge racket in this town now. Capiche?
They run Llandudno now and we just have to accept that as fact. Shenkin must be giving them tips from the Royal Welsh. pic.twitter.com/RaABUtWrDa— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
Can’t believe I’m writing this... they’re back (again) pic.twitter.com/fwMLPa53ue— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
It's over now. The Goats are running things in Llandudno. They will likely have taken much of North Wales by the end of the week. After that? Who knows. Presumably they'll start to subvert political processes at a grassroots level next, gain control of a few councils, and aim to get their first MPs in place by 2030. We could be looking at a goat Prime Minister by the mid-2040s.
I, for one, welcome our new goat overlords pic.twitter.com/Fk5x6XaCLM— Andrew Stuart (@AndrewStuart) March 30, 2020
Dear God. At least people in other areas of the country are taking the proper precautions.
someone in our neighbourhood has responded to this global pandemic by putting a cutout of Ainsley Harriott in their window pic.twitter.com/SLZpky8K9Z— Heather Parry (@HeatherParryUK) March 25, 2020
Perhaps too proper, in some cases.
Meanwhile, someone has turned up to the Waitrose I used to work at in a zorb ball pic.twitter.com/bJ196P4axW— Sophie Morris (@itssophiemorris) March 27, 2020
There will only be two types of man after this is all over: very hairy men, and very badly home-shaved men.
Nobody:— Michael Fry (@BigDirtyFry) March 26, 2020
Lads during self-isolation: pic.twitter.com/51WZVsXJQT
Now we turn, as we must, with the government's latest announcement of the extreme measures it's going to take to try and keep the country fed during this time of panic-buying and pasta-hoarding.
Number 10 has launched an all-out media bombardment to get the message out there.
wow, a moment we’ll remember for the rest of our lives pic.twitter.com/BIrrKUpikl— Ellen C Scott (@EllenCScott) March 23, 2020
If you missed the origins of The Great Wembley Lasagne Saga, catch up here.
The Ministry of Defence supposedly coordinating a Massive Lasagna😆 sampled this recording i found this morning, self isolation done right ? pic.twitter.com/kV9lLKW3Jw— Lotrax (@lotraxsounds) March 21, 2020
(Some bonus content: the man behind the WhatsApp voice note that went mad is 29-year-old Londoner Billy McLean, who works in software sales. He chucked it into a group of 30 of his mates from football on Thursday last week, and it went off its head.
"It was just a one take. I sent it to the football group, my mum and the girl that I’m trying to date," he told the Guardian. "It went around the football group. Then I got people that I know forwarding it to me, not knowing it was me, or forwarding it to me asking if I’d heard it. Ex-girlfriends were coming out of the woodwork asking was it me."
The FA told the Guardian that it's aware of the WhatsApp message, and that it doesn't have any plans to turn Wembley into a giant lasagne pan at the moment.)
Elsewhere, conscientious citizens are taking their duties seriously.
Just saw a very sweet slice of quarantine life. Two young lovers in jogging gear in Springfield Park, clearly pretending to be doing their exercise for the day so they could steal a moment together. Not ashamed to say I had a slight catch in my throat as I called the police.— Séamas It Ever Was (@shockproofbeats) March 25, 2020
And the lockdown enforcement got an appropriately nu-metal soundtrack.
Without any of the usual architecture of the week, things are going a bit sideways.
Though some habits die hard.
Me getting up at 8:59am for the big commute to work to the spare room and the 9am start pic.twitter.com/A53ewhjloA— Ryan (@ryan3levis) March 23, 2020
Ken Barlow is the superhero we all need right now.
Liam Gallagher's done his own singalong hand-washing vids, and grown a gigantic Gimli beard in the process.
Here’s another one you might know. It’s called SOAPERSONIC. If you know the words wash along LG x pic.twitter.com/pG4ZHjH5VL— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) March 21, 2020
If you won't listen to Liam, listen to several very demonstrative Italian mayors.
"I stopped him and said, 'Look, this isn't a movie. You are not Will Smith in I Am Legend. Go home."— 🌈 (@protectheflames) March 22, 2020
This is the updated compilation of Italian Mayors losing it at people violating #Covid19 quarantine. Yes, subtitles are accurate. pic.twitter.com/60V4Csuonb
Peter Serafinowicz's doddery businessman Brian Butterfield has some tech advice too.
As that tweet said, Shakespeare wrote King Lear during a quarantine. We may have already seen our own equivalent.
Day 5 of self isolation pic.twitter.com/01zf3oQbSu— Scottish Patter (@ScottishPatterr) March 22, 2020
The self-isolation madness comes for us all, whatever your species.
When you're on your first day of self-isolation but your third bottle of wine pic.twitter.com/UbZXaHdFPb— Jack (@J4CKMULL) March 16, 2020
We always knew Partick Thistle's David Shrigley-designed mascot was an omen of something.
This is what I imagine Coronavirus looks like pic.twitter.com/unMoFjypEo— lozzy socks (@BaggyTrousers_) March 12, 2020
After the fish in Venice and deer in Japan's cities, London's ecosystem is rebalancing too.
Amazing to see the wildlife returning to London now everybody is staying at home! pic.twitter.com/KXX9dqzAdr— will jennings (@willjennings80) March 21, 2020
This is a journey we can all sympathise with.
Last night Corona led me down a YouTube rabbit hole and I ended up watching a video of an Australian cheese maker making parmesan. He starts his videos by saying "g'day curd nerds" and all the comments are Italians telling him to go fuck himself— Joe (@josephcorcoran) March 16, 2020
Like aural butter.
Just thinking about how Michael D. Higgins says Coronavirus. pic.twitter.com/32NM7XTjSU— do you want me to call christina aguilera??? (@cmerechicken) March 17, 2020
Because it's not drinking alone if you're not drinking alone.
Harsh, but fair.
Not a great sign when a pandemic actually improves your show pic.twitter.com/U06kCclaqg— James Felton (@JimMFelton) March 17, 2020
You already know how much we love Bob Mortimer's train guy.
Train Guy... Phil Collins Tickets pic.twitter.com/CeMLzVJptl— bob mortimer (@RealBobMortimer) March 17, 2020
Next, angling the mirror in the bathroom.
Still not as bad as 'Imagine'.
BUT CAN YOU SUB WALNUTS IN FOR PINE NUTS!?
we are entering an era of unprecedented recipe substitutions— Shay Spence (@chezspence) March 19, 2020
"Don't come the fuck in, fuck the fuck off"
Me returning to the family home after months away to begin a coronavirus lockdown pic.twitter.com/fpAMUXfQLh— Charlie Peters (@CDP1882) March 18, 2020
Courtesy of the Compuglobalhypermeganet Simpsons Facebook fan page:
QUARANTINE DIARY— Sir Michael (@Michael1979) March 12, 2020
Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic
Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix
Jonesing for a bowl of ram-don about now.
self quarantine at my bosses house so far so good pic.twitter.com/CeEceDrXsg— indie (@INDIEWASHERE) March 15, 2020
While singing 'Happy Birthday', of course.
remember to wash your hands xox pic.twitter.com/YB7GH6zPtW— Chris (Simpsons artist) (@getbentsaggy) March 4, 2020
Even an Off-White face mask?
And, courtesy of the Do You Not Know Who Eric Hitchmough Is? Facebook group:
As David Brent once said: "It's been a washout, hasn't it."
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