Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Ex-Wife Left Me When I Almost Died & Became Blind, How to Find Love?’
I am a 52-year-old male who got divorced recently. My ex left me when I got sick and almost died. The illness made me blind. I am still blind and have a difficult time finding any suitable woman who would accept me and the ones so far have only wanted the pleasure without any commitment.
Since my ex left me, I had a gay man hitting on me. I eventually gave in and allowed that gay man into my life. I only have that gay man for pleasure of a sexual nature with no commitment. The issue is that the gay man wants more – he wants to hug and kiss besides having sex.
What should I do? How can I find a woman to accept me and want to be in a relationship with me? Please tell any suitable woman to contact me. I eagerly look forward to your response.
Dear Single Man,
Thank you for writing to me. It is really sad to read that someone could desert someone when their life is in real crisis. To leave someone when they are unwell to a level that they could go blind as a repercussion of the illness – is inhumane, to say the least.
Welcome to singlehood. While it could be frustrating to deal with the idea of being alone, there is also an alternate positive probability of things getting better and we finding ways to get independent of all others in our decision making processes.
Life is full of surprises. Things change. Newer challenges are set in. But all through the road of life, it is important to remember that “We are enough for ourselves” we do not need the love or support of anyone to be ourselves. It would be lovely to have a mate who understands and loves us, but our happiness should not be dependent on them solely.
If you ask me where are all the good empathetic women around, as a single gay man, I would simply tell you they are next to the good empathetic men, in a different planet and difficult to find.
We don’t find love, love finds us.
Regarding your homosexual sexual relationship, just come clean to him. Be frank with him. Of course you may hurt him if you tell him openly what your expectations from this relationship. He may understand, or he may get miffed. But you ought to speak the truth to him, because you value him enough to tell him what he wishes to hear.
PS: Love finds us. Believe me. Love finds us.
‘I Am a Lesbian but Married to a Man Who Wants to Have Sex With Me’
I have been married to my husband for the past 4 years. Before I get to my challenge, let me share some background.
I know I am a lesbian. I always knew that. But I also wanted to have a happy married life. In our society, people don’t accept lesbian relationships that easily. My parents are quite liberal, they even accepted my lesbianism. However, I had a fight with my girlfriend one time, some 5 years back when she cheated on me, and in a fit of anger and as I was upset that people in the community are so frivolous, I decided to go ahead and even against my parents’ wishes and get married to a man. My parents kept telling me that I am lesbian and I shouldn’t get married to a man. I was sure my parents were using me as a tool for their publicity as liberal parents.
Now, this marriage thing is not working out. My husband is too besotted and is not willing to go and have fun with other women rather than wanting to have sex with me. I was up for marriage, not for sex. He never forced me, but keeps insisting that we should have sex. I am fed up with this kind of a life. I want to divorce him, I am thinking of suing him for mental torture. Is there any LGBT rights organisation that could help me file this suite against him? What can I do?
Dear Desperate Housewife,
At the outset, I admire your honesty. Thank you for sharing so candidly. That’s going to be tough to match. I hope my response is also as honest as your question.
Let me try breaking your lived experience, in parts so that we could see it in a new light and find new ways out of this predicament that you have landed into. Though this is by choice and not chance, I first begin by acknowledging, that I agree with you – moving out of this relationship would be helpful in the long run – both, for your male partner and you.
I don’t like to look back with anger and resentment. I prefer looking back with gratitude and looking forward with hope and excitement. However, it is also true that those who don’t learn from history, have a habit of repeating the nasty parts again. So let’s dig into the past.
Looking back at your life though, it reads like you acted in anger and impulse. Being rational and planned would have been a better option. You invested anger where you could have harvested love. I don’t know your parents from anything more than what you have shared.
From an acceptance point of view, it reads like your parents did a good job by not only being champions of equality with regards to your sexuality, but also took a step forward to advice you against marrying someone from the other populous gender.
I understand that you think they have done all this just to come across as messiahs and leaders of progressive thought. However, whatever you think the reason is – it is indisputable that they did the right thing with respect to standing up with their child’s sexuality. Maybe, they need more love and understanding. Maybe, you need to loosen up and speak to them openly. Maybe, they shouldn’t taunt you or advice you but try to sit down and listen to you. But most importantly, certainly, you should be speaking to them with an open heart.
Regarding your husband, I think he has been signed into something without being told what he is getting into. If this was the other way round and he was a homosexual who got married to a woman without telling her, it would have seemed as very unjust. It would be even worse if he told his wife to have sex elsewhere because he wasn’t able to help in that area. Though social realities of both these genders are different, in this specific context, why would anyone judge you with any different parameters?
Coming to you seeking support from LGBT groups, I am afraid there would be none, I know who would want to assist you in filing a case against your husband. However, there are enough groups who would be happy to welcome you to their events where you could meet who are fellow lesbians. You can speak to them and explore a new social life and probably new relationships which match with your sexuality.
Finally, I don’t know if you would take this negatively and drop me an irate mail for telling you this – but I have to tell you, because I have to tell you – I urge you to visit a psychologist. You seem to have several challenges that are unresolved which seems to be leading you to get into an apathetic and self destructive mode.
You have potential for happiness – undeterred happiness. Do not deny yourself that.
PS: Take good care of yourself.
Also Read: Sexolve 98: How Can I be a ‘Good’ Lesbian?
‘I Wish to Start a Sexuality Support Group in My College’
I am a 17-year-old student. I wish to start a sexuality support group in my college. The college is pretty conservative. How do I start?
Thank you for your interest and proactive approach. Let me share a few cheat codes. Firstly do not call your group anything that has the word “sex” or “sexuality” in it, if you think your college is hostile to the idea of sexuality. I prefer the Use of the word “gender” and including sexuality under that umbrella.
Get your college acquainted with LGBTIQ persons by inviting them to your college and everytime they visit, ensure you take them to the principals office.
Most of the fear that college authorities have or any place that is homophobic has is sometimes because they haven’t understood homosexuality or known homosexuals in their close vicinity. Most only read about LGBT persons in the newspapers and watch us in films and chat shows, no wonder they assume that we are either loud and crazy or are these activists who are always fighting with governments and authorities.
The more they meet LGBTIQ persons, the more they will realise that LGBTIQ persons are just as good or as bad as the rest of the world.
Thirdly, get in touch with someone from an organisation or individual. You could get in touch with me on www.instagram.com/iyerharish and I will be happy to assist you and put you in touch with other student groups.
PS: You are 17 so assumed you would be more active on Insta.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
. Read more on Fit by The Quint.RSS & BJP’s Nehru-Netaji ‘Cosplay’: Irony Dies a Thousand DeathsKapil Sharma Makes an Assured Comeback, but Do We Need This Show? . Read more on Fit by The Quint.