Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&A is below:
My Boyfriend Gets Drunk And Hits Me Hard During Sex
I am a 28 year old man from Mumbai. I am in a very rickety relationship. I am way too embarrassed to share with you.
I know that in our community there is a habit of having drinks together, I do not mind it. I really do not mind a drink or two.
However, my issue is that my boyfriend beats me up private when we are intimate. He thinks I enjoy it. Also, he drinks too much. He does this only when he is drunk.
If you know where I am coming from… right? I used to appreciate his spanking, but post his drinking, the spanking has graduated to violence. I cannot bear his pain anymore. But he does it with love. I am really happy that I have him in my life.
Please don’t suggest that I leave him. I love him immensely and he loves me immensely. Just suggest how I could make things better.
I need your suggestion and your love. Please guide me.
Broken Man, Mumbai
Dear Broken Man,
Thank you for writing to me and for your courage to bring yourself to a point where you could share so openly with a stranger.
I’m glad that you have found love in someone, I know that magical feeling when you have someone love you back.
Our partners are best when we can share all our life’s happenings with them.
I wonder whats holding you back from discussing what you feel about his ways of showing affection towards you?
There is difference between making love and having sex. There is a difference between romantic pleasures and violence. If any of the lovers in the act do not appreciate the expression of love, it could end up feeling like abuse.
There is nothing wrong about liking the idea of being spanked in the beginning but not liking it anymore. You should communicate with him, openly and clearly, whenever you get a chance to interact with him. Just ensure that you do it at an appropriate time when he is sober and you are not having sex.
Maybe he never saw the thin line that divides consensual spanking and abuse. Maybe, you should show him that line. I will not ask you to leave him, I will tell you to tell him off though. First tell him with love, if he doesn’t agree, just tell him.
If you believe he loves you, also believe that he will understand you.
There are cracks in the relationship only when we start hiding our truest feelings. Because one cannot hide who they are or what they feel for too long. And if they do so, more often they would see their frustrations taking a toll on the relationship.
I wish you and your partner all the best. Start with a clean heart. Spill all that’s in it to him.
P.S. Violence is not love. Violence is violence.
My Partner Wants Us to Have a Threesome with Another Man
I am 39 and from the US. I am in a long and happy relationship with a man. He and I have been lovers since class ten and now we complete more than two decades together.
Our relationship is a good one and so is the sex. We have never gotten bored of each other. We have experimented with new things and have always loved the scent of each others bodies and emotions.
Everything was going hunky-dory but I wonder why he thought that we should experiment a little too much.
The other day, a week ago, he came home with his colleague. His colleague is damn cute and I have told my partner the same. It is not like I am attracted to my husband’s colleague. However, I was shocked when my partner pushed his colleague towards me and got our lips to lock with each other.
We both had an awkward kind of laughter. We didn’t have sex but I did happen to have gotten so close to my partner’s colleague that I could feel his boner through his pants.
I am feeling terrible that my partner coaxed me into this (though nothing happened).
I am not able to deal with his forwardness. Please help. Should I go ahead with the colleague guy? I am confused.
Worried Person, Chennai
Dear Worried Person,
Thank you for writing in. At the outset, I seek your pardon for I am unable to understand your gender, however, what I will ensure that my response is gender and even sexual orientation agnostic.
It is nice that you are experimenting in sex. Sometimes we need newer ways to rekindle the spark of romance and sexual satisfaction in relationships.
In keeping with the same thought, maybe, your partner extended the sexual experiments to the experiment of threesomes. The ideal way would have been to ask you personally and not putting you on the spot where you are more confused and afraid of your own feelings than relishing the moment.
Whether you and your partner consider threesomes as incorrect or immoral or as a one off experiment is your prerogative. Couples decide what’s best for the couple.
Each and every relationship should define what their limits are (if at all there are any limits) in a relationship. No third person should get to decide that
If you and your partner are okay with a threesome, then go ahead with it. Just make sure that there is perfect communication.
P.S. Speak to your beloved.
My Boyfriend Told Me to Use a Vagina Lightening Gel
I am a 22 year old girl. I have been told by my boyfriend that my vagina is too tight and too dark.
He has suggested that I put paste in my vagina so that it gets white. Also I have heard of a vagina lightening gel that reduces the blackness of my vagina.
Is there a way that I could have a whiter vagina soon? I am scared that my boyfriend may leave me. Please help.
Dear Lonely Girl,
Let me get straight to the point.
Tell me girl, do you really need a boyfriend who would not accept you for who you are but would expect you to change your body or in this case, the colour of your vagina?
Why would you want to change yourself for someone. And if your boyfriend loved you for who you are, why would someone want to change the way you are. Didn’t he fall in love with your real authentic self in the first place, now why does he want to change it?
Don’t give him so much power. He should not have the right to comment or demand a ghost of albino vaginas in your body. It is your body, you make your own rules.
Forget about him dumping you, if he continues to make such ridiculous demands – you dump him.
P.S. Do it!!!!!!!
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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