Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Think My Wife Has a Lesbian Affair’
I have been very very angry about something that I wanted to discuss with you. I hope you don’t mind me getting too personal with you? But anyways, I am going to tell you what I feel. I feel that my wife is cheating on me with another woman. I mean, you know they are in some kind ‘lesbo’ kind of relationship. I don’t mind people being who they are. However, how could people forget the society and husband… we also have a child. I believe all this is happening because people like gay rights activists come on television and say ‘be free be free’. I am not going to be free. I saw her kissing on her girlfriend’s cheek. This is still continuing behind closed doors. Could you please stop propaganda and support marriage? I love my wife like my life. I need her in my life. What if she runs away after watching all your agenda. Sorry for bad language but this is true. I hate you.
Dear Upset Man,
Thank you for writing to me. And thank you for being so frank about what you feel. I understand that you are very angry. So first, relax, have a glass of water and get to a cool state of mind. Your language may have gone a little haywire, but your words clearly explain what you are feeling.
Now that you are cool, listen to me carefully.
No one can turn lesbian. You either are lesbian or you are not. Just as no matter how many straight baaraats, godh-bharai, and other events gay people attend, they cannot turn heterosexual.
Look around, the number of gay events you see, compared to the heterosexual ones. People don’t change their sexuality because they watch some things, or browse the net about a certain issue, or for that matter, one is not lesbian, if they kiss another girl.
Someone is lesbian, only if they tell you that they are lesbian. Rest everything is a big conspiracy theory.
So, when in doubt ask. Don’t confront, converse. Speak to your wife, sit across the dining table and discuss. First understand from her what she feels and accordingly decide what you both want to do next in your relationship. Consult with her and understand where she is coming from. I am not saying that you are making things up, but I am saying that you could speak to her rather than building theories in your head.
P.S. You can keep hating me, it has no effect on me.
‘Do Hostel Boys Turn Gay?’
I am a 22-year-old student who is joining a hostel soon. I am a little scared about other hostel boys. Is it true that hostel boys turn gay? Is there something like that you know? Because I have heard that many people in hostels use apps like Grindr and tinder. I have seen one of my friends kiss his friend on his lips. I don’t know if they are gay, because most of them also have a girlfriend. Will I also become like that?
P.S. I am not homophobic. I just don’t want to go that way.
Dear Hostel Boy,
Thank you for writing in.
Firstly, congratulations on the beginning of hostel life. I hope you do yourself proud and have a wonderful life in your hostel and I wish you success in whichever faculty you have chosen. I have always wanted to have a hostel life, but all my studies was in local schools and colleges and never needed a hostel.
Boys in hostels have more physical contact. They have more male to male bonding. They sometimes hug each other, sometimes they sleep semi naked, sometimes they roam in their underwear; all of this they do in the confines of their comfort. They are just comfortable with their bodies and the bodies of each other. They could sometimes engage even in mutual masturbation or things like that, but that doesn’t necessarily define them as bisexual or gay men.
Not all men who have sex with men identify as homosexual. They just do it sometimes because they crave for touch and find comfort in a same sex person’s arms. There is only one person who can tell if they are gay or not, the person themselves. But everyone, straight or gay, or bi or asexual is entitled to situational sexual explorations. Just because one explores, doesn’t mean they are gay.
Like take my case itself. I have had sex with a woman. I explored with a woman. And I still identify as gay. Just that when it is a case of a close bond between boys/men they have more scope to explore. Not everyone who explores is gay. Not everyone who explores is straight. And not everyone who explores is bi.
But this is not to say that there are no men who identify as gay in hostels. There would be many. And if they are out, or seek out for love, they would go on a dating app and go guy hunting for love or sex. Why do you see this in any other light than men who look for women to date on tinder or women looking for men to date.
We all seek our kind. We all find our make. We all find our love.
Go out and explore. Look out for your kind too. Didn’t Madhuri Dixit say in Dil Toh Pagal Hai “har kissi ke liye koi na koi bana hai”?
So go out and love. There is plenty of love. You would not convert, because one cannot convert from one sexuality to another. You may want to explore, or you may not want to explore. But don’t let that bother you.
Always the one golden rule in love or love making is that it should be consensual.
P.S. Why would you think I would think that you are a homophobe?
I Have a Pubic Hair Forest Down There
I have a forest like pubic hair. Too much of it. How can I get rid of them?
I don’t know your sex, but irrespective, you could trim your pubes carefully if you feel so. Some people also shave. Just understand that you need to do this with precision, because you don’t want cut marks out there.
But first, check with your sexologist or a general physician. Don’t feel shy to discuss with your doctor. They may have a way out of this.
P.S. appointment le lo doctor ke saath.
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