Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
'My Lesbian Best Friend Had Sex With My Girlfriend'
I am a 23 year old man. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend right from our school days. Since ninth standard, we knew we had to be together for life. It was she who proposed to me, because I just didn’t muster the courage to propose to her. She is my hero and I love her immensely. We didn’t have sex till we both were 18. That was a conscious choice. We did do things like oral sex where I have suckled on her breasts and her vagina and she did the same on my penis. From the age of 15 till we were 18, we did not have any actual sexual intercourse, we only used our mouths to facilitate an orgasm. After we both celebrated our 18th birthday, we went out to Lonavala and had sex in the night. My penis slid inside her vagina easily, however, she didn’t like it and told me to use my mouth instead. I asked her if she was scared that she will get pregnant, and she replied she is on pills and wouldn’t mind if I use a condom, but that the issue was that she did not enjoy penetrative sex. I have a reason why I am telling you this. It is important because, my best friend is a lesbian. Right from the first time I got my best friend introduced to my girlfriend, she confessed she had a crush on my girlfriend. I told her jokingly, “ask her out if you want to, best friends share everything”. Obviously, I didn’t mean it literally.
Two years back, she and my girlfriend made out. My best friend thinks this is some sort of a joke. She once told me “your girlfriend thinks I suck her better than you”. Although she meant it as a joke, that has completely impaired my relationship with my girlfriend. She was mine. The right to touch her body was mine and this friend has been breaching my trust and also the limits of our friendship by touching my girlfriend’s body. I am angry at my girlfriend for allowing this. I am also angry at my friend for doing this. Also, I hate myself because I did not f!ck my girlfriend and allow her to experience that pleasure. Is it because I just did oral stuff that she thought she can get the same with a girl? Because the only difference between straight and lesbian sex is the fact that straight sex has penis in vagina. I hate myself. I hate life. I am stuck in a limbo. I am so angry with myself. I hate lesbian women like these, but I also love my best friend.
Thank you for sharing such intimate details with me. First sit down, relax, have some water. Do understand that what we need in times of confusion is clarity. Anger doesn’t help in making things clear. Being upset doesn’t help either. Sitting down and analysing may help us find newer ways of looking at things.
Let me begin by acknowledging that to find love is definitely magical, to lose love could be tragic, but to be stuck in limbo, is extremely traumatising
Your best friend told you that she made out with your girlfriend. Did you check with your girlfriend on this? I suggest that you ask her what she feels and how she wishes to define her relationship with your best friend.
We all operate differently when it comes to defining what are the limits in our affairs. How far do we go even if we happen to have opportunities to stray – is something that the couple and only the couple should decide mutually.
If I was in your situation, I would have had a conversation with my girlfriend to figure out if this was a one-time thing where sexual energy was at its peak and she got carried away, or was this affair with my woman best friend something that she felt strongly about? I would have trusted her to tell me the truth. I would have given her the chance to explain what she wishes to do further, and I would have told her what I feel strongly about.
When everything fails, try truth.
Once after individually speaking to each of them – my girlfriend and my best friend, I would have also had a meeting with all 3 of us in a room to figure out where we head.
To live with hostility towards anyone is self-defeating and no one benefits out of it.
Clear the air. Check now, if you want this relationship with your friend and your girlfriend. If the answer is yes, then you have to move on from what has been to what you want it to be. Then park this past in the past, and look at the future with new hopes and new ideas. Do not hesitate to seek the assistance of a counsellor if you find this very challenging.
It would help if we don’t waste our energies in hating an entire community of lesbians because of our personal challenges. If your best friend would have been a man would you have hated heterosexuals despite identifying as a hetrosexual?
I know you have been wronged. I know the feeling of being cheated. I also know that you have the power to heal. And only if you move towards healing yourself would you be able to move forward with this relationship.
Keep the faith
P.S. Write to me if you feel any intense feelings of anger. Or better, see a counsellor.
'Had Sex With A Man, Until Now Only Had With Women.'
I am a 32 year old unmarried scientist. I live in the US but am originally from Chennai, India. When I was in India, I had some relationships with women. Like, not a proper relationship, it was more of a sexual one. I loved when I kissed women. I would get an erection immediately. I have also tried having sex with a woman once, but I was too excited and orgasmed too early. I, however, didn’t feel that that was an issue for long. I moved to the US when I was 28. I have a close roomie here and we go hanging out on beers quite often these days. One of these days when we both were drunk, we got physical. He slid his hand inside my pants and before we could realise we both were mutually masturbating and were enjoying it. We didn’t feel like kissing each other. I got reminded at this instance that I used to have such feelings for boys in my class even in school. I never thought I was gay, because there was only the need to mutually masturbate and cum. And all that happened with this roommate of mine. I am confused now. Am I gay? Or am I bisexual? Should I stop this?
Thank you for writing in.
I cannot define your sexuality. Only one person can do so, if they want to– you yourself. I can, however, try and share a few things that may help you in understanding sexuality better.
Sexuality is simple, yet so complex. There are things we like to experience, and there are things we love when we feel. The physical experience and the emotional feelings needn’t always be for the same thing.
You may wish to be jerked off by a man, and yet choose to define yourself as a heterosexual because you feel more emotions towards a woman. You could also choose to call yourself bisexual. You could also choose to just feel what you feel when you feel, and not choose to put those feelings in boxes of straight, gay, bi-curious and bi. The choice is yours.
Also, these feelings are sometimes transient. Matlab, you may not choose to define your entire sexuality or life, because you feel sexual towards the same sex in rare occasions.
Same sex behaviour/sexual activity, doesn’t automatically put you in the category of being gay. You are gay, or bi, or bi-curious, only if you choose to call yourself that. You are the best judge of what you feel. Just allow yourself to feel what you want to feel, without prejudice and with no inhibitions because of social norms.
P.S. your feelings are valid.
'Wish To Have An Orgy In A Gay Bathhouse'
Could you please tell me if there are some bath-houses where I can have a gay orgy in India? I watched it in some porn site. I have been fantasising about it.
Dear Mr Desperate,
I don’t know of any gay orgy bath houses in India. (Do such things exist really?). I can tell you a thing or two about gay porn though. Not everything that you see in porn is real. There are cuts and takes and retakes for the perfect shot, which makes it look so real.
I do know that on grindr, some people (not all) seek uninhibited sex and have expressed various fantasies. I haven’t seen “bathhouse sex”, the closest one can get, I guess is making-out while bathing under a shower.
P.S. I am curious. Send me the address if you find a gay bath house.
(The text and the location has been edited to protect the identity of the people. You can send in your questions to email@example.com)
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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