Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Am Drying. I Need to Find Some Satisfaction’
I don’t believe in love, I don’t believe in anything anymore. I feel that my sex life is dying and my vagina is drying. I feel nothing sometimes. I try eating more onions and drinking more water. I tried everything, right from hot water washes on my vagina to masturbation with a dildo. Nothing works. My body is a desert. Can you help me and tell me how I can get it wet in natural rain? Hope you know what I mean. I am drying. I need to find some satisfaction.
Dear Desert Woman,
At the outset, I think our bodies are all oceans at times, and desert at times. I am unable to decipher from your mail if you feel medically incapable of feeling sexual and experience dryness of the vagina, or if you are finding it difficult to emotionally connect with anyone. I could share my views with you from an emotional standpoint. I am incapable and not qualified to advise you on medical issues. For the same, please do seek a face-to-face consultation with a qualified doctor.
From the feeling of emotion to the feeling of nihilism, your mind has traveled a long way. When you say you don’t feel anything “anymore”, you are sharing that you used to feel sexual or love before.
It would be worthwhile to dig into your past and find out when you felt love or the feeling to make love. Maybe, then you would also understand what caused a shift in your emotions.
We all have crests and troughs in our relationships. Going through the point that caused the shift of emotions could be sometimes painful, but one needs to bravely ensure that you pass through the thought once again with eyes wide open, so that you are able to understand what and where things went a little awry.
To address an issue, you would need to undress it.
Meanwhile, I also advise you to give yourself a change of scene. When I keep busy with the same daily rigmarole, it kind of makes me feel more mechanical with the least emotional connect. Sometimes, I need to go out of my normal route and amaze myself with a new scene. Try that, maybe?
P.S. Apparently, deserts read backwards as “stressed”. Minus stress, maybe there will be rain?
‘My Boyfriend Wants Me to Have Sex with His Boss’
I am a 32-year-old gay man. I am in a happy relationship. Our relationship is now six years old and we still are in love with each other. Ours is a committed relationship. I pride myself by the fact that we have never cheated on each other sexually or even kissed another person, though we both are of similar age and we both are in a line where we meet hot men every day. We do look and appreciate other men, but we never get them in our relationship or our lives beyond speaking about them in a fantasy zone. This is why I am in a kind of a difficult zone. My boyfriend’s boss is also gay and told him that he finds me desirable. My boyfriend didn’t freak out at that moment, rather he told him – “Sorry he is taken”. Last week when they were drinking together, his boss was rather explicit in his wish to anally penetrate me. My boyfriend thought that his boss was just too drunk and that’s why he blurted that out.
However, since the past one month, things started going south for my boyfriend at his workplace. His boss has been troubling him too much. Yesterday, my boyfriend told me that maybe this is all because he didn’t encourage his talk after that drunken night about me. My boyfriend then very coolly suggested that maybe we should open up the relation and I should have sex with his boss. Because that may better his prospects at work and make things better. I felt disgusted. I felt cheated. I thought he was joking, but he was serious. I don’t believe my boyfriend could think like that. However, I know that my boyfriend loves me, so maybe he was forced to ask me that? What do you think?
Dear Troubled Man,
This is a deeply personal mail. Thank you for your trust in me.
Love is magical, I know. I have been in love.
The feeling of longing for someone and belonging to someone, is something that’s truly special. However, in love, or otherwise, one needs to belong to oneself more than belonging to anyone else.
I know you love your boyfriend. But you do not have to offer yourself, your body, or your soul to anyone in exchange for the love you receive.
To have sex with another should be your decision and yours alone. You don’t have to do it for your boyfriend or for anyone else. Your boyfriend’s boss issues are something that he will have to handle independent of you.
People would argue that this would have sounded more wrong if it was a husband asking his wife to have sex with his boss. I don’t see a difference. Irrespective of whether this is a gay relationship or a heterosexual one, to ask your partner to have sex with your boss so that you could seek a better position at workplace is despicable and should not be encouraged.
I am not taking a moral stand here. If you both would like to open up the relationship or discuss a fantasy openly, it should be fine. However, the premise here, as I read, is about securing a better working relation with your boyfriend's boss for which he is expecting you to sleep with him.
After every few years, couples should re-look and renew the terms of their relationship. I suggest you have the hard talk with your boyfriend now and tell him what is permissible and what is not in the relationship. Things get better when we speak openly.
Sometimes, to find someone who loves you unconditionally is more difficult than finding a new job. Hope your boyfriend realizes that and finds himself a new job if this boss makes such absurd demand/remarks.
P.S. If you like the boss, add him to your “to do” list. But don’t do that for your boyfriend.
‘My Girlfriend Doesn’t Drink Cum’
Dear Rainbow Man,
My girlfriend doesn’t drink my cum when I ask her to. How do I get her interested? I once lied to her that I was not cumming and then came in her mouth when she was giving me a BJ. She is very pissed with me on that and now wants me to seek her consent. She is taking advantage of the fact that I ask her, I think.
We all have our interests and desires. We have to speak to our partners and understand where we find congruence and where we don’t. We can't force our partners to do things that they don’t feel strongly about.
I think your act of achieving climax on her mouth without telling her, was very disturbing. It is even more disturbing that you think you are doing her some sort of a favour by seeking her consent before you orgasm.
A relationship between two people is not about one’s person’s sexual fantasies alone. You can’t dictate this. It has to be mutual.
Ask your girlfriend what she likes. Ask her what her desires are and see whether you feel strongly about her desires too.
You cannot force her to drink your sperm or anything similar to that when she doesn’t consent to it. Do not push your luck too much or you may lose the relationship completely.
P.S. Please apologize to her and mend your ways.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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