Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Wife Wants Me Dressed in Her Panties, Is She Lesbian?’
I am a little hesitant to write to you, I wonder how anyone who is reading this will perceive it. But here it goes – I am a 33-year-old man and I got married to my wife after a 7 year long courtship period. In these 9 years that includes, 7 years of dating and 9 years of our marriage, we experienced sex to the fullest. We have experienced everything from orals to anals, from water sports to even dirtier things.
All this while we have been absolutely faithful to each other and have never felt the need to get any third person in the relationship. Even when we had those fantasies, we spoke but knew we would not be comfy in going ahead with it.
However, now there is some sort of dissonance. We have everything going for her but her sexual fantasies are now going into the scary zone. Allow me to be a little graphic, last month I kissed her all over and she kissed me too. I removed her underwear, and she suddenly stood up, and asked me to wear her underwear. I did oblige for the thrill of it. I didn’t mind it. However, she asked me to wear it again, some three times, in the past one month after that.
Also, I used to ask her to give me a blow job, she doesn’t do that anymore. She wants me to give her one. I never liked and never have given women blowjobs, but I end up doing that every second night.
I don’t like taking commands from her. It is upsetting that she has suddenly lost all respect for me and expects me to be a woman with her and take commands like a woman does. Or perhaps, she is lesbian and she is fulfilling her lesbian fantasies by getting me dressed as a woman. I don’t know.
I just know that I want to bring back my old wife who loves to experiment with me as a man and she as a woman, and not by making me her fantasy woman. I wonder if you could help me?
For Fox Sake
Dear For Fox Sake,
Thank you for writing in with all the details. At the outset, let me share that it is pleasing to see that you, as a couple, have been working on your sex life and have constantly been trying to heat things up.
Your love for love-making is nice because as time progresses, it is not unusual for couples with decade long affairs to put their passion for each other in cold storage.
From your sexperiments regarding oral sex that you have described, I understand that you like being pleasured, but don’t like offering the same pleasure to your partner.
You say that you don’t like taking commands from your wife in bed. You also say that you ‘don’t like to take commands like a woman does’. Why would you assume that women need to take commands from their sexual partners? It is not “woman like” to pleasure your partner in bed. Your partner, irrespective of gender, has the right to pleasure as much as you do.
Just because your wife likes you dressed in her panties it doesn’t imply that she is lesbian. She is lesbian only and only if she tells you she is lesbian. She is exploring sexual role-play. If you dislike it, please tell her in those many words.
It is okay for a couple to not like the same things. You guys are two different people with individual tastes and desires. Differences are good.
A little friction is good. A little give and take down the desire lane is good. A few bumps, a few adjustments, a little rocky patch is good too. Do explore.
You don’t have to like the same things all the time. Please understand that and explain it to your partner too. Do come clean with her on what you like and what you dislike. Also, ask her how she would like to be pleasured.
Talk sex and talk pleasure with your partner.
Sex is also an act of negation. Walk half way for her pleasure, and recognise when she walks half way for your desires even when she doesn’t completely desires what you do.
Things get better with a meaningful discussion.
P.S. there is a small difference between being accommodative and compromising.
‘Will Too Much Friction Make My Penis Small?’
I don’t know about this. I am just in my first year of college. I am just around being an adult. One of my friends told me that I shouldn’t shake my thing with my hand as my thing could get really hot as back and front hand friction leads to heat and that makes the thing to explode. When I shook it when I felt sexy, it got hot and it make some liquid. I get the same liquid when I have high temperature in my body. Will this reduce my thing in size? I am very scared that I will die.
Dear Young Man,
Thank you for writing to me. I recognise that we are often confused when we find no proper person or resource to educate us about sex. Let me share a little.
First, let’s begin by using the right terminology.
“the thing” you are referring to is called Penis. Do not ever feel shy to use the right words. Language is empowering, to know the right names for your body parts, even more so.
When an eye is an eye and a nose is a nose, the penis is a penis and a vagina is a vagina.
One post is too short a space to tell you exactly, but let me share, the friction you refer to in your mail is basically “masturbation”.
Masturbation is an act where we pleasure ourselves sexually. Broadly speaking, it can be described as stimulation of our genitals with the hand for sexual pleasure.
When you make regular backwards-forward motions, ideally for a while, you will have white liquid or ‘sperm’ oozing out. In this exercise, you may reach the peak of sexual desires, it is called an orgasm.
The person who is advising you is probably pulling a fast one on you.
Do not hesitate to read up about sex on the internet. Don’t refer to porn in the beginning, but general information about sex.
Do read up more often. And understand that your penis will neither melt nor wither away in any other way if you masturbate. Masturbation is no sin but it is good to do it only when you feel aroused.
P.S. Do not hesitate to write back if you need any more information.
‘My Husband Wants Me to Smoke.’
My husband wants me to smoke while we have sex. I don’t like that. When do I tell him… How do I tell him, I don’t want to disappoint him.
Mrs (Un)holy Smokes
Dear (Un)holy Smokes,
Do choose a time when you are not in the act, but are alone together to tell him that you dislike smoking during sex, it helps to set expectations before you both get into the act itself.
Ideally, there is no good time to tell your partner what you truly feel about something they expect of you than NOW.
Sex is as much negotiation, as pleasure. Pleasure between two people cannot be determined by one.
Do not devalue your consent in sex. It is your body and you have your own unique likes, dislikes and desires, and you should stand up for it.
P.S. Tell him naa. Jaldi.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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