Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘My Girlfriend Had an Orgy. I Don't Know If the Child Is Mine’
Dear Rainbow Man,
I have a very personal issue to share. My girlfriend and I have been in a happy sexual relationship. We have loved each other for many years now. Seven years to be precise. We have done everything in sex and we love to be all over each other every time we meet at her place or mine.
We love each other, but since the time we became majors, we have just been into each other. Our sexual explorations were limited to us. (I don’t know how you would react to my revelation, but it would be safe to say that we are very matured people and we do not see anything wrong in explorations).
We took a break for a month to just be with other people. We decided on the date when we will come back to each other’s arms. We allowed ourselves our freedom. We did a lot of crazy sex. We even discussed it.
Surprisingly, there was no jealousy. In one instance, we decided to have an orgy together. I saw two men enter her, with her consent. I was happy that she was enjoying and so was she happy to see me do things to other women and have a great time, I guess.
We resumed our closed relationship after that break which only lasted for a month. We were happy.
However, there is a small (big?) problem now. She is pregnant. I calculated the date that she conceived; it could have been the time when she had this orgy. I remember very clearly, it was only my precum that went inside her, the others pulled out at that moment, but the child could be anybody’s.
She doesn’t want to abort the child. I don’t know if it is my child. Also, we don’t know if we want to marry.
My mind is spinning thinking about all this. I don’t know when my head will blast.
Can you help me see things? How do I find out if the child is mine? I hope no one comes to know who I am? I hope you don’t judge me?
Dear Probably Papa,
Thank you for writing in. This indeed is very personal. Be rest assured. I have removed some personal identifiers from your question. And no one should have the liberty to judge anyone else’s life.
If you guys decided to spice up your sex lives, good for you! If you guys decided to have an orgy, good for you! As long as it was consensual and between adults, no law and no society has any right or business to peep into your bedroom.
I personally believe that we don’t own the person we love. We don’t even own their love. Love is best when we set love free of jealousy, ownership and patriarchy. I am happy that you don’t confine your love with jealousy, but liberate yourself with an open mind.
Now coming to the orgy part, why didn’t you guys wear a condom? Because, even one drop of semen has thousands of sperms, and it just takes one sperm to reach the egg to fertilize. Next time, if you explore, please don’t do it without a condom. There are also dangers of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. Please exercise caution.
To be honest, I don’t know if you are the father of that child. No one can give you that confirmation. Only a DNA test will be able to determine that.
It is the choice of the mother, since she is the carrier of the child, to decide whether she wants the child or not.
I, however, want to ask you to extend your open-mindedness further – you didn’t mind the process (of sexual exploration) so why do you suddenly mind the result (of pregnancy). Is it that, you would only love a child that shares its DNA with you?
You were on the same page for everything, don’t flip the page now. Go to a counselor along with your girlfriend and seek their assistance if it bothers you much. A combined session may help you both open up and share what you feel.
Hold her hand. Understand her.
P.S. Please use condoms.
'My Partner Is a Part-Time Lesbian'
I am a 29-year-old woman in love with another woman. My girlfriend believes that she is bisexual. I didn’t believe her until I saw her kissing a man. I ignored, didn’t question her. But then, I saw her again with the same man. My girlfriend is often with that guy. She is hardly ever at my place. I think she is a full-time straight and part-time lesbian. How do I make her a full time lesbian?
Dear Les Behen,
Thank you for writing in.
You said you are “in love” with a woman. Is your girlfriend in love with you too?
It is essential to set the expectations and goals right at the beginning of the relationship. It would be wise to discuss what the boundaries are and mutually agree on some points.
And about your girlfriend’s kiss encounter with the man… is that certainly romantic? Or is it just that they are friends who express more physical love. Either way, please give your mind some rest and ask the question to the person herself. Don’t ask in an accusatory manner, but as a genuine inquiry.
There is nothing that cannot be cleared with a clean talk.
I don’t know what you mean by part-time lesbian.
I should tell you a little about bisexuals. They are not people who necessarily have relationships with men and women. They could feel sexual/emotional to a member of the other populous gender, but it is not always necessary that they would have to have a relationship with them.
Just as you get attracted to other women too, but choose to live with this girl, as a bisexual she can get attracted to people regardless of gender, but it doesn’t necessary that she acts on those desires. There are several monogamous bisexuals.
So please don’t complicate it in your head.
P.S. Ask her. Speak to her. Love her. Let's be careful that we discuss and don’t discriminate against bisexuals.
‘My Testicle Has a Lump.’
I am a young man. My testicles have become big and when I touch them, it seems very lumpy. I am very scared. Please help.
Any lump like formation needs to be checked immediately. Please visit any doctor and get it examined. Early diagnosis helps combat any disease.
P.S. Visit the doctor.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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