(Trigger Warning: Some questions could make you feel agitated. Reader discretion is advised.)
Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, and need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to email@example.com.
This week’s Q&As below:
‘I Have Always Double Dated, How Do I Come Clean?’
I am a 28-year-old man who has been in two relationships all his life. I am writing to you about a peculiar issue. Actually, I don’t know if I have an issue also, but I felt like sharing with you.
Ever since I have been in college, I have been double dating. I somehow managed to ensure that none of my lovers gets to know about the presence of the other lover.
I have a simple funda – how can someone find all the love in one person. Also, correct me if I am wrong, can you enjoy all kinds of sex with one person only?
I mean, I have one girlfriend who wouldn’t like anal sex, another who doesn’t like giving me a blow job. So for complete satisfaction, I need to have two so that I don’t get bored with either of the two. I have balanced it very well. I now want to think of something serious with my present girlfriend. She is my life.
I have never got caught. But this time I want to leave the cat outside the bag. Because she is also sharing about all her secrets, I feel like, I should also share this secret that I kept from her. I feel the urge for having sex. I dropped a few hints, and she was furious to know that I even kissed another girl. I wonder how she would react when she gets to know that I have actually slept with many women in the past 4 years that we were in a relationship. I have never done time-pass with women, I have only had proper parallel relationships but have never told everyone else about it. How do I proceed?
I don’t want to lose my girl. She is one of the prettiest and the most understanding, but I wonder if I tell her the truth, will she leave me or will she be there for me even after listening.
I want her to adjust to my needs. I am afraid that she will also say that “I want to also go and f!@k other men”… I am not okay with that because that would mean that we don’t have a relationship at all. I have a need, I don’t feel greedy for relationships… you know what I mean?
I am seeking your guidance. I haven’t shared this with anyone. I want you to be brutal and honest with me. Help me see things that I don’t see probably. Please guide me… I don’t want to lose my girl… Please
Disturbed Polygamous Man
Dear Disturbed Polygamous Man,
Thank you for your trust and for sharing. I am glad that you are able to look at your life with the lens of honesty. I am glad that you are able to look at your life and how you have lived it with a more holistic lens.
I am sure that you would agree that lies and deceit is not the foundation of any healthy relationship.
I understand that you feel sexual towards more than one person. However, it is imperative that your partners are not kept in the dark about it. It is not unhealthy if they are completely aware of the fact that this is an open or poly relationship.
It is important that when we enter relationships we define what are the boundaries after discussion with our partner/s.
While compromise would be the wrong word to use, one should try and make a few adjustments to understand how you wish to define your boundaries and how much are you wishing to extend it. Also it would be wise to remember that this is not just about you. It is about your partners too.
It doesn’t sound just when you have some different rules for you as compared to your partner/s.
I don't think it is my place or anyone’s place to judge you for your multiple partners, provided there is the consent of all the partners involved. If you wish to pursue the love of your life, you should be willing to have a heart to heart conversation with her. Understand that this may necessitate some inner engineering from your end and the willingness to make adjustments without viewing them as compromises.
Good luck with that.
P.S. True love is hard to find. Treasure it. The question is will you value it enough and walk an extra
‘My Husband Becomes a Different Person When He Smokes’
I hope you understand that there is always a point when you cannot do anything more. I have been my husbands best friend, in bed, at work, in everything he does. I know him for years. He is my childhood sweetheart.
But his habit of smoking up has kind of made him into a wild human being that I have never been in love with. He is someone I dread now. I have moved to Canada with him. I left my career and everything behind. It only mattered that he loved me and I loved him.
I am so sad to state that he doesn’t love me anymore. I cant take beatings anymore. I want to come to India. But am I a bad wife if I do this??
Thank you for writing in. I know the feeling of finding love that just feels right to the heart.
We sometimes look for love that is the same, but love matures, sometimes it flourishes, sometimes it perishes. One thing should remain though – that love minus respect is not love.
While he chooses to express himself the way he is, that shouldn’t be an excuse for him to be violent with you. I suggest that you seek the assistance of a counsellor for yourself and if he is willing, for him too. For things to change, he should be willing to make changes. He needs to understand that he is not doing the right thing and should be willing to seek help.
I would also suggest that you seek the assistance of a legal advisor for the same. I would strongly wish that you do not delay this anymore.
P.S. Things get better when we work towards making them better. Seek help. Take charge
‘Can My Wife Get Pregnant With Fingering?’
I fingered my wife with my middle finger. I had touched my penis before touching her vagina. I had no cum in my hand. Can she get pregnant? Should I get a test done?
Dear Worried Man,
I don’t think your wife can get pregnant in the circumstances that you just mentioned. You don’t need to get any test done. She can decide if she wants to just put all the tensions to rest by doing a simple urine pregnancy test, if she wants to.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals.)
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