Sexolve is equal rights activist Harish Iyer’s Q&A space on FIT.
If you have any problems, doubts or queries regarding sex, sexuality or your relationship, which you can’t seem to deal with, or need some advice, answers or just someone to hear you out – write in to Harish Iyer, and he’ll try and ‘sexolve’ it for you. Drop in a mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
This week’s Q&A is below:
‘I Last Too Long’
Im 32 years old and ever since I lost my virginity, I've lasted a horrifying long time. Hours upon hours, sometimes days. My female partners love this quality in me. It is a very frustrating thing to not be able to climax. I can get to the "edge" but then hit a wall and it’s very very difficult to get over that "hump". What is wrong with me?
Dear Frustrated Man,
Thank you for trusting me with your intimate issues. I am not clear what “lasting for a long time” exactly means. I will however, share my response according to the two interpretations I make. In either cases, I will state and reiterate that you need to visit a doctor. In my opinion, E-advice can just put your tensions to rest for the moment, it can never compensate for the physical services of a doctor or mental health professional.
If by the phrase “lasting for a long time” you mean that you have delayed ejaculations, Does your mind waver into other things while you are enjoying sex? Do you feel the need to make an extra effort to switch on to the mood and show interest? Then this could be due to psychological factors like stress and depression. Delayed ejaculations sometimes happen even due to some medications.
By the phrase “lasting for a long time” do you also mean that you have erections that do not subside for a long time? While it is normal for some of us to have a longer spell of erections, if you think it is longer than usual, you should definitely visit a sexologist.
I am not qualified to diagnose or suggest any treatments, but can share some general knowledge that there is a condition called Priapism which entails prolonged erections which sometimes isn’t caused by sexual stimulation.
For all we know, there might not be anything wrong per se, but I do understand the frustration it could cause when you are the last in the line.
Things get better with expert intervention, just if we make it a point to seek.
P.S. wish you good health and many more orgasms, in time.
'My Husband Has a Lot of Sex With Me’
Mere husband bahot sex kartey hai. Is there a tablet that I can ask him to eat, something that will reduce his sex-drive, or better still, kill his desire for having sex once and for all? Please mujhe answer do. Please help me.
Dear Upset Woman,
Thank you for writing in.
Mai doctor nahi hu, toh I will not be able to advise you on medicines.
Agar mai doctor hota toh bhi, even then it is not right to administer any medicine without the knowledge of the person.
I am sorry if I am sounding insensitive, but I don’t want to assume that you have already spoken to your husband and expressed your displeasure. If you haven’t done it yet, please do it now.
Not all people understand the language of reluctance, some would need it to be spelt out in words.
Tell your husband that you care for him and respect him, but his sexual desires are too demanding. Reach a consensus through discussion. If that doesn’t work, please visit a counsellor who could advise you and your husband.
P.S. I wish you good luck. May things get better in your sex life.
‘My Partner Seduces Me But Refuses Intercourse’
My partner always makes me horny but refuses to have sex (intercourse). Can you please tell me the significant problems that can arise with me in this case , because most of the time after such an incident I feel that I am in stress and something is going wrong with my body.
I always try to make her understand in a meaningful way what she means to me and that I want her, but the situation remains the same and I feel bad about myself because this almost happens 9 times out of 10.
Please tell me. How can I solve this with my partner?
Dear Worried Man,
Congratulations on finding your special someone who you could call your partner. Relationships are difficult to make, and it is far more challenging to stay together even when things go awry.
Since you love her and are extremely fond of her, I am sure that you will listen to me without getting angry or upset. The truth I am sharing is that - not all females (and other sexes) prefer or even like penetrative sex. Also, in India there is a lot of superstition regarding vaginal sex, which adds to the psychological and sociological pressure. For many women, vaginal sex is the ultimate thing, that they engage in after marriage, and they would not want to treat it casually as an everytime affair.
The fact remains that it is her body, it is her choice.
Her refusal for penetrative sex may just be out of the fact that she needs some more time. However, this may not mean that she doesn’t like you. It may just mean that you should respect her will and give her time.
If it is love, it will ask. If it is love, it will wait.
Love matures with time. People trust each other with time.
P.S. Wait for her.
‘I Caught My Husband Having Sex With My Boyfriend’
My husband and I have recently moved to a new city. We did our house and everything beautifully and we were in a very happy married life. Me and my husband are both gainfully employed. We are happy. We also have a 15-year-old son, who studies abroad. We are one happy family. Or rather, I should say, we were. My husband and I used to have passionate sex with each other for the past 16 years of the 18 years that we have been married. We were still this very loving couple, however, there has been no sexual chemistry since the past 2 years. Somehow, we became bored of each other, I guess when it came to sex.
Around this time, I felt attracted to a guy in my office. One thing led to another and we had sex a couple of times. I was ridden with guilt as I was cheating on my husband, but I was also enjoying it. It was a sort of mixed feeling. This guy could be best described as my f!#k buddy. We had no love, we just made love. Two weeks back, my son was in the city and I had an important project, so my husband took leave to be with my son. My son would go in the afternoons to visit his friends sometimes. This particular day, my husband was home and I got done from work early too. I came home early, didn’t ring the bell but wanted to give a surprise, so used the key and came in. I went straight to the bedroom and what I saw after that, shook me. I found my husband completely naked in the bed and my boyfriend, who was topless, had my husband’s penis in his hand. I was shell shocked. My husband, rather than apologising or covering himself, came up to me and started kissing me. In just a while, I realised that I am in the middle with my husband on one side and boyfriend on the other. I got up and went into the restroom. When I came out, my husband tried speaking to me but I didn’t chat with him. My boyfriend behaved as if he didn’t know me. I didn’t know that I was married to a homosexual man. Did my boyfriend throughout two time? I feel cheated. I feel angry. I don’t know how I am feeling exactly but it is uneasy.
Two Timed Woman
Dear Two Timed Woman,
Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life with me in such great detail. You have shared several issues. I will try and keep my response to the point for clarity.
Every relationship has its own rules. These rules are set by the people in the relationship. And the rules or principles may or may not be exactly the same rules that are prescribed or followed by society at large.
You have lived a good life with your husband. You sneaked out and experimented to add spice to your sex life. Your husband did the same. You did it with someone of the opposite sex, he did it with someone from the same sex. I wouldn’t judge you or your husband on the scale of right or wrong, it is the things you have decided to do in life beyond what is seen as the norm. So don’t be harsh on yourself.
Your husband may or may not be gay, I wouldn’t be able to confirm that. Sometimes people discover their sexuality at a latter part of their life. Also, some people who do not identify as gay may choose to experiment with other men. And there is also a possibility of your husband being bisexual. Only your husband could tell you what he really is. Just because you saw him in bed with a man, it may not be that he is gay.
Regarding your boyfriend, you had no emotional connection with him, it was a relationship of sexual pleasures. I don’t know if your boyfriend is playing games, but I do know that all three of you have been two-timing. You, your husband and the second guy, so you all are on the same page.
I would suggest that you have a moment of confession with your husband. There is nothing better in a relationship than being clear. I am sure you will find your answers when you have a joint sharing session.
Also, nothing has turned so bad. You and your husband have had sex outside the marriage. You haven’t killed anyone or robbed a bank.
P.S. Have a sharing session. It will be good.
(Harish Iyer is an equal rights activist working for the rights of the LGBT community, women, children and animals)
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